I have so much bottled inside that I can barely write. Because maybe I don’t want anyone to know that I feel so trapped and unhappy. And for the love of God, what has happened to my life? My family is a disaster. I thought this would be the happiest time of my life and everything is awful. So much that I was excited about has been awful. I have no idea who I am anymore. Once I was so sure – then my world fell apart and I’m so devastated I can’t function. But I can’t stop. I can’t slow time and breathe because I’ll fall behind. But the secret is that I don’t care. How can I care when I’m losing my family?

My birthday is tomorrow and I wish I could hide from anything marking time. Twenty-three is the age I will fall apart. I can’t handle the pressure and I don’t understand why this is happening. What lesson am I supposed to learn God? When will I have given enough? When will my pain satisfy? I don’t want to live on this planet anymore. I want the next life and all the joy it promises. I don’t know what I am supposed to do. I feel like I’m hanging off a cliff with no strength to pull myself up and no one reaching down. And my arms are shaking and I’m about to fall. It’s terrifying and fear is the only thing keeping me alive.

It’s no way to live.

So I create a better life in my mind and I live there every second I can. Because I can imagine away the cliff and the fear and when I do, I get the smallest reprieve.

Part of me thinks I am overblowing my situation, that I shouldn’t feel this way, but I do. I don’t know how not to feel this way anymore.

I guess I should let go of the cliff.