I think yesterday was the first time I’ve been completely honest with myself for a long time. I wrote things never want Jake to know. I think I need to give myself that freedom. Otherwise what is a blog but another false front to present to the world? I’m unhappy. That’s okay. Let’s you and I, dear reader, take a step back and solve it. What do I do about it?

Be honest (at least to myself).

I am not where I want to be. Twenty-three is too young to give up on joy. I am not ready to give up my quest—my biggest adventure. Becoming joyful regardless of circumstance is a mystery to unravel. One that sounds fun and has a beautiful reward. Who do I know that was joyful even in terrible circumstances?

Corrie Ten Boom & Apostle Paul

Where did this joy come from? How can I be more like them?

It came from Christ. I can grow closer to Him.

Have I been doing that lately?

No.

What is the definition of insanity?

Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.

Am I insane?

I don’t think so.

Then I need to change how I’ve been acting.

Do bad things always happen in this world?

Yes.

Then I must learn to place my joy in something other than my circumstances.

Is my internal state anyone else’s fault?

No. No one can change it except me. It is my fault.

Okay God. I’m listening. I’m ready to change my life. You are my God. Where you lead, I will follow. My eyes will fix on you, turning nowhere else. Circumstance will not turn my eyes from you. In the lows, you are there. In the highs, you are there. I will trust in you, oh saver of my soul. I will trust in you and not myself. Help me where my flesh is weak, when I seek to take control. You are the God of my fathers and I dedicate my life to you. Children or not. Husband, family, or not. Career or not. I seek praise only from you, my king.

Should I lose it all, I will cling fast to you. My heart is yours; I will not run but to you. You are my joy, father. In this life and the next, I will follow. When you call, I will run. Where you admonish, I will humble. Where you let Satan take, I will accept. The doors you open, I will walk through. The ones you close, I will praise. In death, in life, in sickness, and trial, you are my God. I will not turn. God of my fathers, today I give myself wholly to you. In you alone, I find my worth, my strength, my joy. I love you, Lord, above all.