Back from betrayal

God, this is hard. This week, I think I finally convinced Joe that I’m not going to leave and he helped me realize that I’ve been withholding my heart from him. I’m trying to give it to him, but I’m terrified. It was especially hard when it felt like he was pushing me away. He…

I had a dream last night that I didn’t want to wake up from. I was starting over with another man. We healed together from similar pains and it was a beautiful fiction. I wrestle with it. Intimacy wasn’t painful in my dream—all of my problems vanished and I was just a normal lover, free…

I joined a support group. They use the “A L.I.F.E. Recovery Guide for Spouse” workbook by Melissa Haas. It starts with 7-steps on grief, then moves into 7 principles. Today I worked on Grieving Step 4. Grieving Honestly Feelings help us identify truths about our circumstances. When we are angry, maybe we have been wronged.…

I think yesterday was the first time I’ve been completely honest with myself for a long time. I wrote things never want Jake to know. I think I need to give myself that freedom. Otherwise what is a blog but another false front to present to the world? I’m unhappy. That’s okay. Let’s you and…

I have so much bottled inside that I can barely write. Because maybe I don’t want anyone to know that I feel so trapped and unhappy. And for the love of God, what has happened to my life? My family is a disaster. I thought this would be the happiest time of my life and…

I am at the edge of myself, drowning. What is the point of taking another stroke toward shore? How can I breathe when everything hurts? Where does it end. Oh God, where will my loss end? At each turn my security is torn from me, every comfort abandons me. My heart is in shatters, my…